Sorting It Out

I come from a long line of ordinary people - common folk - from among those who conform to the world because that is what you do. You conform and hope that with some sweat and toil, with yes sir and yes ma'am, giving it all up, that everything will work out. The American dream can be had if you only do it right.

There was just one small issue: I couldn't do it. I really tried! Really I did! But there was nothing in the world, at least the ordinary world, that attracted me.

Don't take that the wrong way. I'm not saying I wasn't attracted to worldly things...pretty women, exotic ideas, mind-alteration - big things, weird things.

All I knew then was that I couldn't do what I saw everybody else doing, the way they did it, for the reasons they had.

And most of my life I have paid for it.

For years and years I was convinced that my problem was that I was lazy, or rebellious, or, sometimes, stupid. I'm still not sure that there isn't some truth there. But I find that when I start to work on something that is interesting or that I enjoy or important to me, I can work hard and long and well.

Rarely, however, do I find that what I want to do coincide with what I know the world deems to be important.

I am very dysfunctional in the ordinary world.

So the question before me is one of sorting out priorities - separating responsibilities from conformities, desires ffrom needs, right from wrong.

I am not even sure how to go about that, well, perhaps I really know, but I am finding distractions to keep me from the really hard work - the work of turning away from the world and turning to God.

The full truth is that I am sitting on the proverbial fence...and I despise myself for doing that.

What I really need to do is throw everything at the feet of Jesus and wait for Him to tell me what to pick up and work on.

Can I do that?

I don't know, but I think it is a matter of life or death.