11 Predictions for 2011

1. Global warming will continue unabated. Temperatures will fall with the snow further confirming the post-science conclusions at East Anglia. In a bonus prediction, a historiometerologist will receive a Nobel for his theory that Lucy's tribe created the last Ice Age by over-cultivation of soybeans.



2. Money will be plentiful for everyone in the next twelve months (especially if you work for a government agency or the SEIU). That will prove beneficial since it will provide excellent paper logs to help offset the increasing global warming and you won't be able to buy anything with it anyway.



3. The Kansas City Federal Reserve Bank secedes. The President of the KC Fed issues the following statement: Banksterism is one thing, but this Bernake guy is nucking futs!"



4. The Alaska senatorial race is finally settled and it turns out Sen. Murkowski can field dress game also. (We shouldn't be surprized, really, she's been skinning taxpayers for years.)



5. Fears of rampant and discriminatory government censorship of the web are allayed when the FCC announces that PBS.com1, PBS.com2, and PBS.com3 will all have optional backgrounds.



6. Three IRS Revenue Agents accidentally put a lien on every bank account in the US. The IRS Commisioner apologizes and requests extra employees because there are "going to be a lot more audits this year."



7. President Obama signs Executive Order instituting Don't Ask, Don't Tell for Christians in the military.



8. Monsanto issues press release noting that all your corn are us.



9. On a flight from Tunisia to NYC a 23 year-old male passenger attempts to ignite a hair bomb secreted in his scalp. TSA announces that henceforth all passengers must be bald and will be subject to intense phrenological examinations.



10. In the first of many municipal collapses, the East St. Louis Public Employees and their pension funds foreclose on the town. The Local President notes that under their management all citizens will be equal, but some will be more equal than others. In a related matter, Illinois will accept only union ID as proof for voting.

11. 2011 will be a year of hope and change, promises of improvement, and bold predictions of success - and yet, the Royals will still suck.